Monday, April 09, 2007

faith and stuff

Something I've been thinking about (and talking Kevin's ear off about) lately is faith. Not the definition of the word so much as its practical application in different situations. I guess I've been struggling with the line between believing wholeheartedly for something to happen, while still allowing God's will to be different than the outcome I'm praying for without setting myself up for disappointment.

I guess what has been frustrating me about this so much is that I haven't been able to articulate how exactly I feel about it, or even what I'm thinking about it exactly, and Kevin so patiently and lovingly let me emit quite a bit of "word vomit" last night while I was trying to talk things out and figure them out in my mind. Thanks Special K!! Love you!

When I was talking to Kevin last night and then this morning when I was talking to our very own Josh Moody on IM, they both said something that kind of resonated with me, or at least help me put some words to a way of thinking about it. (Turns out, I like being able to express what I'm feeling. Not always as good at executing it as I'd like to be) Basically that a fundamental problem in the way we use faith to believe in/for a situation is that we tend to put our faith in an action or event rather than in God himself.

Too true. Too true.

I guess a concern of mine has been that "allowing for God's will" for me personally can sometimes mean half-hearted prayer.....prayer that is sometimes burdened with fear that what I'm praying for might not happen or that God might not want it to happen. And it's true that what we're praying for might not be in line with God's best for us, but I think the problem is not with God's will being above our understanding, but the way in which we think about it. I sometimes find myself in a position of mistrusting God to come through rather than accepting that his will might be different and totally way better. Then that leads me to think sometimes that I'm praying wrong or with the wrong heart, and that totally turns into me focusing on me instead of what I should be focusing on in the first place. God. And now I'm not sure if any of this is making sense and I might just be repeating myself using different words. Or the same words. I don't know.

In any case, I'm learning and growing and it feels a'so nice.

1 comment:

she speaks in circles said...

Geez. You make perfect sense and I understand more than you know. My mom recently had to remind me of what your friends said about putting faith in God instead of circumstances/people/events. Easier said than done. Letting go of our own desires and leaving room for God's is the scariest thing in the whole world and sometimes too difficult to muster the courage. Yay growing pains!