40 days...

life is a temporary assignment." -rick warren

"so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Cor. 4:18

i've been thinking a lot lately about why i'm here. what i'm here to accomplish. my purpose. what drives me. in a word, i could answer it easily....Jesus......but i need something more specific than that. it's not that easy, and i don't exactly know the answer yet, but i want to.

"Thoreau said, 'most men live lives of quiet desperation.' Similarly, and perhaps more accurately descriptive of today's population, I believe that most people live lives of aimless distraction." -r. warren

i don't want to just keep busy. i tend to do that. i try to take every opportunity or chance that's presented to me so that by doing a lot i feel like i'm accomplishing something. i have managed to establish a schedule with so little free time that i can justify not having enough time at the end of the day to think about why i'm doing any of it. i want to learn to say no. i want to learn to focus, and i want to learn to really listen to God and not just ask for things and wait for them to happen or not happen.

i think one negative (and often accurate) perception of Christians (notice i did not say Christianity) is that we are constantly trying to fix other people. you can seemingly always count on us to let you know all the ways not to go to hell while we quietly and not so publicly deal with our own issues.....or at least the ones we'll acknowledge. since i can't think of a better way to say it, i'll let someone else do it for me...

"This is the hardest part of Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest." -donald miller

the only person we can ever really control is ourselves. for my own sake, i'll rephrase....the only person i can ever really control is myself. so i want to do that in the best way possible. i want to know that I'm not just wasting time, wandering aimlessly, keeping myself busy. and i certainly don't want to tell someone else what they're doing wrong when i'll be the first to say that I don't know how to do it all right. I want to pursue a goal. I want fewer question marks.

I don't know how cohesive this all is, but i'm just writing to organize my thoughts, I guess. i apologize if any of this lacks continuity.

and she goes on...

When i talk about knowing my purpose and what i'm working towards and living for, i don't necessarily mean that I need specifics, like my career or who i'll marry, etc. I just want to know that when i commit to something, it's moving me along in the right direction and not just passing time. i want to be solid.

being able to see how i fit into God's big picture is important to me. i want to be a part of that. what i do here during my life doesn't end when I end. what i do, or contrarily don't do, doesn't just affect me, and i don't always acknowledge that. i want to live seeing more than just me or the people i care about.

"all this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
i never had a selfless thought since i was born.
i am mercenary and self seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

peace, reassurace, pleasure, are the goals i seek,
i cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
i talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
but, self imprisoned, always end where i begin."

-c.s. lewis

geez-o-peets, i feel like quotey quoteswiegel tonight. I guess if someone can say something better than you can......let them.

Anyway...I guess I'm done for now. Just a lot of thinking lately. Have a good day or night, depending.